Reset Goals

I had another productive meeting with my therapist today, and I got a lot off my chest. Mainly, I’ve been turning over the loss and defeat I feel about having another spring and summer go by when I didn’t accomplish my ultimate teaching goal: teaching at the high school level.

While I set my sights on returning to my 8th grade classroom in a month, I think the disappointment will dissipate a bit, at least until after winter break when jobs for next school year begin to pop up. I’ve told my wife and brother, those closest to me, that next year will be the last time I go after a high school position. After that, I think it will best to just let the dream go and accept my professional life for what it is: a very challenging and pleasant position in a well paying school district. It allows me to provide for my family and live a comfortable life, so there’s really nothing to be ashamed of.

I talked with my therapist about drives and motivations, and the most overwhelming one I’ve felt over the past few months is attaining that illusive high school post, but my writing continues to be an inspiration and drive for me, and I’ve let it settle on the back burner for most of the time since I received the good news that I might have an opportunity for my first work to be published. So while writing for publication has been another lifelong dream for me, I’ve wondered internally why the drive to get this goal accomplished hasn’t been as powerful as the one to pursue a high school teaching job.

I decided today in my morning session that I am going to try to reset my goals, and make my writing my number one priority. I’ve started another work that seems to have direction, and I’m searching for ways to promote my first manuscript, the one that my publishing friend plans to take a look at.

We were on vacation in South Haven, Michigan last weekend. I told my wife’s uncle that I believe South Haven to be one of the best places on earth. With that, I found some time to sit out on the front porch and get some real writing done. While I’m passionately batting away at the keys, I’m consumed with energy and excitement, and I’m transported away from the present to the world I am creating. The only problem, though, is that I’m not as motivated each day to write as I once was.

So the question remains: can I reset my goals and dreams? Can I make writing my number one motivation and priority? Only time will tell. I think the biggest issue with this idea is the internal conflict I still feel about promoting my work and going public with my story because the work that is garnering the most interest is the one based on facts about my past. As soon as I can come to terms with that, I think I will be in a much better place. In the meantime, all I can do is to continue to write and hope that I go about rectifying my internal struggle in the most appropriate way possible.